Before 2016 ends

Hello. This has been a really looooong time! So where should I start?
I'm actually thinking twice if I should make another entry here before 2016 ends or.. but I realize I have to let this one go for me to start a new, clear, and bright 2017. ;)

Mostly things at work had gone crazy and messed up. Haha. School's fine, nothing thrilling much. We're done with Year-End party so the graduation ceremony would be the only problem on 2017. As at the office, I got regularized last October! Awesome, right?  Company activities were laid on our way, so I participated on some like blocked cinema screening, donations for seedlings, and aeta tutorial. I must say that I got pretty close to some of my workmates which shouldn't be bad but things really cross the line when you least expect it...

I had a crush on someone.
But hey, that wasn't bad, right? Every one has or had a crush. However, SHE might not feel the same.. and I started questioning myself too; am I just bored? am I just curious? am I just confused? or am I just too thrilled with the idea of being loved? With what happened right now, I would answer YES to these questions.

I approached her twice about these feelings I had, she probably finds it amusing since she also confessed that she felt the same way not until I apologized to her with my non-stop jests and cheesy jokes I say to her—when that's also the exact time that I felt something loud in my chest. After the first time we talked, I admit, it lessened the feelings I had for her, but it was still there. :(

Just two days before out vacation starts, I conversed with her for the second time. This time, I was planning to make this one out for once. If possible. If I could ask her to at least try it. But that day, those words and reactions I've heard and seen we're not the ones I had expected. I'd now prefer to assume that she doesn't see me the way I see her. End of the story.

That then I realized that it was always only me until the very end. I crushed myself with my own words and expectations. Even up until now, it is not yet gone in my heart and mind. I need space. I'm planning to avoid her as much as possible, this may sound lame and might label me as 'someone who's afraid of love', then why should I give time to someone who doesn't feel the same way to me?

--
Hi. This may be harsh but I hope you'll get why I said and did that last time. But if you don't, just please understand me. I'll now stop communicating to you—last time, I said I'll miss you when vacation comes and you just thanked me. How stupid I am to expect you to say the same thing? Pft. Funny.
I'll now stop noticing you—I said that what do you have that I still have these feelings for you but you just responded by saying what should you do now; how stupid I am in expecting you to at least show some/say caring words to me. Assuming.
I'll now stop smiling—for that day, when I asked you about us, you told me that you don't expect anything and also you do not see yourself with me. I felt so lost, which I observed that you don't value something/someone that much. In which I hope you'll regret sooner or later.
--

I realized that we met people for two reasons:
Either they'll stay and be with you or they'll just actually pass by and remind you of life's lessons. :)

Honestly, I'm 50% fine now and moving on. I'm on accepting phase but for sure, I won't be the same old she knows by 2017. It's too tiring.

See you next year!
<3

Shoot away

Hey! It has been awhile, right? Many things had happened to me lately, and I can't really run it down right away, so.. at work! I'm going for 5th month by September, yay! On good side of it, I'm thankful that I got a wonderful company where work is valued as much as the employee. Although I can see that I won't last long in there, but I realized that you would only experience new things outside your environment if you would let yourself.

On the downside of this, remember I had two jobs at the moment, right? It sucks bigtime actually. I barely had enough sleep everyday  (and barely have enough time to enjoy/make fun with friends) since time isn't in my hands.  And also if you're under controlled by someone, what would you expect? tsss

I see myself that whenever I post here, it would just mean I'm pissed or it's another day of me being a loser/stupid. Being controlled, yeah, that's my mom. A narcissistic one, only thinks of herself. She's tired, she's sick of managing things, she's already burnt out of energy in dealing with others, all about herself. And I, who just always follows her orders, is just nothing for her. I get it and I'm used to it.

That's where probably I get my 'I don't care' attitude at times. However, at least, I know how to care on people who cares also for me.

This is just another day of rant, since mom wouldn't allow me to join in a getaway trip. See, 22 year-old lady who won't be able to come because her mom doesn't want her to. Suckers. She's been telling me that it's too far, well OBVIOUSLY, that's why it is a TRIP!!

I'll be forever trapped and I think on the parallel world or if I would be born again, I'll just be a nun.

As far as I am concerned, I am not a chess piece.

Susan Villanueva

12:55am
30.05.16

Hello!
You might be surprised that I came back too early, huh? Well, I must say now that I'm feeling good!
After that intense writing I did on my previous post and a frustrating event that happened in my work, I felt that I was able to release all my tensions and anxiousness. I'm not going to recall the frustrating scenario, but instead, I'm going to be thankful to my colleague at work who reminded me that I'm just a human after all, trying to be perfect on things with all of my own imperfections. sigh

It's early morning today of Monday, I have no work for tomorrow, so I seize this time to reflect and clear up my thoughts as the school season's coming again! Time flies so fast, I would've not noticed also that I'm going two months at work, which I guess, a little achievement for me! lol.

The thing is, with the help of my very good colleague of mine and a book that I've read during those times, I realized that I was missing a lot from this life I had. I forgot that I could actually fight my pessimist side for most of the time; I forgot that I can actually voice out my thoughts just like how I do with my students during discussion; I forgot that I have the option to go with the flow instead of hating everybody around me, without sacrificing who am I and what I want. I forgot that I also have my personal and family goals, in which, it's too early to quit. All of these were thanks to Susan. Aka Stargirl.

Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
The book is about a home-schooled girl (aka Susan Caraway) who showed how life is all about with kindness and love at Mica High School which resulted in an ecstatic change in the school's academe, morals and culture.

“She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we tried to pin her to a cork board like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew.”

“Who's love do you cherish more? Hers or theirs?  When you decide that, it's all downhill from there.” 

Aaaaaand there's this an American (Hispanic/Latin lead actors actually) TV show that I'm in guilty pleasure of during weekends. I started at this since summer, where I can really relate well on Jane, the lead actress. (I even followed some of the cast on Twitter, they're are really something, I swear!)
The show had finished seasons 1 & 2, and it was confirmed that they'll be working on season 3 for October release! Yay! I'll tell you what, I'm ready to finish season 2 this summer! Aja!

Jane the Virgin by C.W. Network
Jane Gloriana-Villanueva is a virgin since birth and almost-married to her long time boyfriend Michael, who is a cop. At the day of her pap smear schedule, she was accidentally inseminated with a sperm of a married rich man owner of Marbella Hotel, Rafael. Little did she know that the doctor who artificially inseminated her was Raf's half-sister, Luisa Alver and Raf was her first kiss/love she had way back her junior days. Then there where things had gone insane for Jane, Michael and Rafael's lives.

Jane (aka Gina Rodriguez IRL) is verrrrrrry lovely. Both persons, whether in character or real life, excludes so much positivity and real-life reactions on every day life's challenges. I adore how they handle things in a systematic way (although Jane freaks out much of her times) and stays on track of it.

These two literary pieces got so much of me to be motivated again to wake up every morning with a smile.
I hope you can now guess what does the title of this blog post means. :)))


I guess this is all for today.
Good Morning! :)

PS. This is a late post after my connection got lost yesterday. See you soon! ^^

Berserk

I don't know if I'm liking the fact that I passed and made it here for certification.

I don't know if I'm seeing myself here for the next two to whatever years after the meeting today regarding promotion.

I don't know if I'm doing this for my passion or just an easy way to achieve my goals; or probably our family's goals.

I don't know if I'm enjoying this.

I don't know if I should care or I shouldn't.

I don't know if I have to be part of it or go with how everybody goes.

I don't know if I still have anything I must know.

I don't know if I really know.

Hi, I know it has been a month since we talked, I mean, I told everything my life to you.

I don't think I can describe it in one word or in anything,It was just a month but everything went 'berserk'. Yeah, that's the word, I guess so.

Let me start at the part where I was officially hired, yes, I told you last time that I am going to look for a job.

This was the first craziness, it wasn't just a 'summer' job that I intented to have, it was a full-time job.

The good side of it is,it in mid-shift, I have to work from 2-10pm ONLY. Which means, I still have the daytime for schooling. Yes, I'm juggling these illegal moves. This is illegal, as it was supposed to be. I was even asked by the company to submit a 'resignation proof' (eg resignation letter, BIR forms etc) So, I obliged to it, since my school isn't really a formal school; it's just a little one, owned by my pathetic aunt, who have NO IDEA that I'm working for another job, that means this isn't really an issue for me. I just need to go with the flow. This craziness is indeed crazy, because I have to be careful that I won't get caught by my words and actions. As I meet new people at my new company, this is the second craziness, I distance myself to them; afraid that I'll be caught, careful that I should be aware first of these people; and act like everyone else.

The last one hits me: Act like everyone else.

When I was interviewed by Op Supervisor, she told me that this area would be entirely different from the community where I have been. I remember myself totally determined and ecstatic that I would get this job and earn for my family; and I remember her being so much engaging to me, or probably to every applicant whom she interviewed.
And then I remember I had my Job Signing, and the third craziness starts..

First day at work! First day of training! Orientation day.

Of course, what would you expect in every first day of something?

Timid people, shy, feeling every moment, because you know that you have to friend someone for you not to look awkward or an anti-social individual.

So I did.

In the course of following training days, I met a few people, which of course, my teammates.
And I acted like everyone else.

And I didn't like it.

My best friend told me that now I would be able to experience what life really.

But just within a month of staying here, I would like to disagree with her, because

you choose your life, whether you're in an corporate world or in an institution,

you don't need to be part of them and act like everybody else. That's what I didn't like and that's the craziness I did. After few instances that I tried to be with them, (or should I say, I observed them at first.) Was it wrong? haha. It happened when we got together after work, some of them went for drinks, while I rejected into drinking. Another instance was whenever we had our private jokes, and based on it, I found out who they really are. 

I learned to avoid them because I didn't like them.

I learned to avoid them because whatever I do, they're my teammates.

I learned to avoid them because what really matters is my job.

I learned to avoid them because I hate them.

Recently, I rejected what supposed to be a celebration of our team (without our supervisor, so it gave me more reason to reject it) as we mark our 1 month here in the company.

I didn't join them because I don't want to. I'm just being real, not acting as everyone else.

Another one is the upcoming off-site event which is a swimming party of the whole department, and guess what, of course, I am not coming. Because I didn't like it and I'll come if I want,not because they're coming too.

I think I've shared enough today, actually I'm in the office right now and trying to just eat some of the time I wasn't doing anything.

I'll be sending this to my email, and post it rightaway.

I hope my patience could still bear being here.

I love and interested with my job right now, I learned a lot.

But I think I cannot learn to love ALL the people around me,

specifically, my team. That's it. I've said it.

I can't just trust somebody here.

Bye.

200516 9.10pm

Third day

I've really a lot to tell you guys lately but I don't know where to start!

How about getting back on these plans:

"Aaaaand back to reality, I haven't started yet on the book! I'm expecting April's going to get me nuts for few things:
1. Summer Classes!
2. Applying for another job
3. Saving $$$"

Summer Classes will just start less than a week away. I'm incredibly busy lately because of this again, nothing's new, I guess.
Speaking of new, there's a good news actually! I got a job! Well, this counts as a full-time job actually, entirely different from schooling. It's an office job where I will edit some content and documents to be released on line. Today is my third day as a trainee of the company. I went very quiet at first because I want to observe them first and the people around me. Nevertheless, today is a pretty cool day since we had some nice laughs and chit-chats, although honestly, I don't see myself yet in this kind of environment; it's a BIG BIG career shift indeed! However, whenever I remember all the tests and interviews I struggled to be hired, Y'ALL I GOTTA BE SERIOUS RIGHT HERE.

So hopefully soon, I could have all of the time to tell you some awesome and off stories in here. :)
And oh! Saving $$$? I hope I could do so with my new job, yay!

Annyeong! 

April is ain't fooling around

First post for April month! Yay!

So this was just the first week of the month and I think there aren't much of a news for me. Nevertheless, let me start on my fan club. We are actually supposed to have an event this upcoming April 17 but then again, it was pushed due to time constraints. I cannot really prevent myself from contemplating why they are so slow and unresponsive to their tasks. Anyway, it was scheduled (idk if this is already permanent or temporary AS OF THE FKNG MOMENT) on June 19. I just hope it'll turn out well, given that we still have two months to go for such preparations, Another thing is, they added a new staff in the fan club. The thing is, I kinda know this person and met her personally actually, but since then, I could feel some mysterious? eerie? aura from her even if we talked together. It felt very awkward for me, (well I really guess it's only me since she gets well along with the other staff) and it became more horribly awkward when she started tweeting her 'personal experiences' with a girl, (I hope you're getting my point, huh) Like seriously, in social media? But then if she craves for enormous attention, (she made at least 7-8 twitter fan accounts/rps/idk-what-I-should-call-it that she has been actively managing) well, you girl got it. Congrats! You're still freaking weird to me.

Aaaaand back to reality, I haven't started yet on the book! I'm expecting April's going to get me nuts for few things:
1. Summer Classes!
2. Applying for another job
3. Saving $$$
Items #1 and #3 are already given. The school's is soon coming back, so I have to prepare again to get fuzzy and be 'sympathetic-parent-friendly' educator. Saving some money coz studying is expensive as honey. I'm planning to go back school probably next year, I'm saving my high hopes tho coz I don't want to expect to my fucking self. lol.

Item #2 might be weird.. Nah, I am just looking for a part-time job (or a career advancement, should I say and how I said to all of the companies I applied). Sometimes it is really inevitable to get tired of the same shit everyday of your life and then you get bored when you cannot get any of this shit. So I suggest to expose yourself to all the different kinds of shit in life so it'll be awesome and exciting shits! (Shit = anything that makes you happy/contented) I discovered myself this summer that I'm a type of person who just can't stick to the same shit. (Love is a special exception *winks*)
Speaking of love, there goes again my friend who is crazily in love with his man. Curiosity kills the cat... and probably also the relationship. Anyway, I told her that I am just always a listener to these kinds of things, but she told me I should just wait.

Hey you future guy, I am not praying for you to come nor met you in an unexpected way. I hope you'll just come neat and proper. Not of a perfect timing or anything; but just right of the moment. Does it sound a little ambiguous? Yes, because I think that is love. It's full of ambiguity yet two persons in love understands it so well. So future you, just come neat and proper; who the hell you are and where the fuck you'll come from.

Ciao!

Whirlwind of thoughts

Hi! I'm here again! Well I guess this summer of mine is a good one (not that great  yet, not yet.) It was a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions that I experienced which is good, at least, it isn't always being sad or lonely.

I have not read yet on my next book for two reasons: 1. It is a nice dystopian lit 2. Jargons
The second one puts me off guard. The book's genre is actually Science and Dystopian Fiction. I liked the Dystopian part because I want to know the idea of this world, I mean who likes negatives in a world? Probably me. LOL. hahahaha. The Science part knocks me down, I don't like the jargons of it because I cannot understand at all! And that would mean, I know nothing about Science, what a shame right? geez.
I'll probably do or read an analysis/synopsis of this because it is really damn interesting. Also to gain knowledge about deep science. Some things really need to take great efforts so to understand it.

Today also, I got to meet again my lovable best friends! Yay! We visited one of my best friends' house and hanged out there! You know, sometimes the place and time doesn't even matter anymore when you're with a bunch of cool friends. I'm being honest right now. hahaha.

Do you still remember the radio show thing? Yes, I still went for it and I guess I did fairly well. So why fairly well? I kept on moving my mic leading to such eerie sounds on-air. That was really embarrassing that the DJ might thought I'm ignorant. lmao. IT WAS MY FIRST TIME ANYWAY. Another thing is, all of the sounds around me and outside our home has been heard by some, like the sound of tricycles and dogs. Darn, they might think I'm living on the streets or in a trash. Shissuz. And lastly, was my English. I get choked or choppy most of the time. I'm really disappointed on that part, and I think I have to listen again on that once the recorded episode comes out.
On the DJ's part, he pointed out also the sensitive topics like religion and sex. Although there was a disclaimer before the show starts, I think it is still necessary to limit such talks with these topics as younger listeners were expected to stream. I'm not saying he shouldn't have these because it is really inevitable but still, he should have been more objective and less being self-centered on his words. Also I think he has a nice voice but not on his attitude. Sorry not sorry.
I don't really care on the topics he raised to me because I think my college buddies' talks were much more horrible than this. hahaha. In a nutshell, I had a nice experience, something that I'll put on my good ones.

Annyeong!

First 2016 post!

Hello! It has been awhile that I talked here again! Happy New Year! I guess it's better late than never, right?

These past few months, many important things to me that happened. I celebrated my birthday! I'm now 20+ something and I'm expecting myself to be more matured. I think that had been (and should be) the expectations of my parents though. don't you think? Or probably I'm just running out of excuses..
Anyway, that was an important day actually, but it never had any important memories on it. So that doesn't make any sense, no? After that, we had our school graduation, alas! another school year has ended for me and new challenges to come for my students. Congratulations!

With the start of the year, I decided to challenge myself to finish a book every month. I got the idea from an article I've read about the Facebook's CEO who mentioned about it. It piqued my interest again to read novels and short stories that I have been missing for awhile. I started last February with the book All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven and for this March, I finished reading lately the book: The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky in which I also watched the film right after I was done reading it. It was awesome! That's all that I could say because it was really brilliant and informative, although it had the same theme with Niven's work, I adored how much Chbosky delivered it in an understanding and sympathetic way to the readers about people experiencing mental breakdown, depression and trauma. That's why I LOVE IT, Really. Is it even obvious with my new writing style today? Haha.

And today, I'm irritated and glad. Let's have the glad thing first.
I'm glad because my college buddies are having their love life! haha. No seriously, I'm feeling good for them. It was cool at the same time because they're different when they got struck with this so-called L.O.V.E ~ damn those gals. haha I guess this is what everybody says that a 'stage' where most of your friends get their boyfriends/girlfriends and there you are just being happy for them and wondering where your 'guy or gal' has been all over this entire universe... Still, the bottomline for this, I'm insanely glad for them. So much.

I'm irritated. Today, after I went home from meeting my good college buddy, I made arrangements to the DJ who will feature our fanclub this upcoming weekend in an on line radio show. Since last week that I asked my co-admins regarding about it and up until awhile ago, they haven't decided yet who will be our representative. (Well, I requested if it will be possible for 2 representatives and he said okay) Due to this lack of responsibility from them, I decided to be the representative. They even made fun of it (or namilosopo pa ata) saying they'll support me, and such. It's just so childish.

I really now have to go. My brother's taking the pc now. I'll tell you what will happen next with all of these events. geez.