Berserk

I don't know if I'm liking the fact that I passed and made it here for certification.

I don't know if I'm seeing myself here for the next two to whatever years after the meeting today regarding promotion.

I don't know if I'm doing this for my passion or just an easy way to achieve my goals; or probably our family's goals.

I don't know if I'm enjoying this.

I don't know if I should care or I shouldn't.

I don't know if I have to be part of it or go with how everybody goes.

I don't know if I still have anything I must know.

I don't know if I really know.

Hi, I know it has been a month since we talked, I mean, I told everything my life to you.

I don't think I can describe it in one word or in anything,It was just a month but everything went 'berserk'. Yeah, that's the word, I guess so.

Let me start at the part where I was officially hired, yes, I told you last time that I am going to look for a job.

This was the first craziness, it wasn't just a 'summer' job that I intented to have, it was a full-time job.

The good side of it is,it in mid-shift, I have to work from 2-10pm ONLY. Which means, I still have the daytime for schooling. Yes, I'm juggling these illegal moves. This is illegal, as it was supposed to be. I was even asked by the company to submit a 'resignation proof' (eg resignation letter, BIR forms etc) So, I obliged to it, since my school isn't really a formal school; it's just a little one, owned by my pathetic aunt, who have NO IDEA that I'm working for another job, that means this isn't really an issue for me. I just need to go with the flow. This craziness is indeed crazy, because I have to be careful that I won't get caught by my words and actions. As I meet new people at my new company, this is the second craziness, I distance myself to them; afraid that I'll be caught, careful that I should be aware first of these people; and act like everyone else.

The last one hits me: Act like everyone else.

When I was interviewed by Op Supervisor, she told me that this area would be entirely different from the community where I have been. I remember myself totally determined and ecstatic that I would get this job and earn for my family; and I remember her being so much engaging to me, or probably to every applicant whom she interviewed.
And then I remember I had my Job Signing, and the third craziness starts..

First day at work! First day of training! Orientation day.

Of course, what would you expect in every first day of something?

Timid people, shy, feeling every moment, because you know that you have to friend someone for you not to look awkward or an anti-social individual.

So I did.

In the course of following training days, I met a few people, which of course, my teammates.
And I acted like everyone else.

And I didn't like it.

My best friend told me that now I would be able to experience what life really.

But just within a month of staying here, I would like to disagree with her, because

you choose your life, whether you're in an corporate world or in an institution,

you don't need to be part of them and act like everybody else. That's what I didn't like and that's the craziness I did. After few instances that I tried to be with them, (or should I say, I observed them at first.) Was it wrong? haha. It happened when we got together after work, some of them went for drinks, while I rejected into drinking. Another instance was whenever we had our private jokes, and based on it, I found out who they really are. 

I learned to avoid them because I didn't like them.

I learned to avoid them because whatever I do, they're my teammates.

I learned to avoid them because what really matters is my job.

I learned to avoid them because I hate them.

Recently, I rejected what supposed to be a celebration of our team (without our supervisor, so it gave me more reason to reject it) as we mark our 1 month here in the company.

I didn't join them because I don't want to. I'm just being real, not acting as everyone else.

Another one is the upcoming off-site event which is a swimming party of the whole department, and guess what, of course, I am not coming. Because I didn't like it and I'll come if I want,not because they're coming too.

I think I've shared enough today, actually I'm in the office right now and trying to just eat some of the time I wasn't doing anything.

I'll be sending this to my email, and post it rightaway.

I hope my patience could still bear being here.

I love and interested with my job right now, I learned a lot.

But I think I cannot learn to love ALL the people around me,

specifically, my team. That's it. I've said it.

I can't just trust somebody here.

Bye.

200516 9.10pm