Pagtataka

Sa tuwing naiisip kong maaring puwede pa,
Naiisip kong pwede nga ba?
Sa maliliit na bagay nabibigo mo,
Natatakot na muli akong mabigo.

Sabi ko hindi na ko muli susulat tungkol sa'yo
Pero kasi parang tayo,
Mga salitang hindi naman dapat para sa'yo,
Kailangan nang ipakawala at ilayo.

Hindi ko kailangan ng sasabihin ng nasa paligid,
Alam ko ang sagot sa mga tanong na umaaligid aligid.
Tama ang sinasabi ng isip ko,
Iba naman ang binubulong ng aking puso.

Paulit-ulit ang iisang alalala,
Pakiramdam kong lalong lumalala,
Tulad ng isang bagyong dumaan at nakapaminsala,
Naiwan nang walang-wala.

Ilang beses na nga naman ako nagkamali,
Sa tuwing ikaw ang pinipili.
Puso mo'y sa iba naman nagagawi.
Ni sulyap mo'y hindi nananatili.

Ngunit naisip ko rin sa sarili ko,
Ang nais ko ba ay yung perpekto?
Makatotohanan sa mga nangyayari,
O kathang isip nalang kung maari?

Tula 1

Araw-araw, inaabangan pa din ang araw. Mga pagkakataong pinalipas sa paglipas ng panahon. Mga taong napag-iwanan dahil minsan nang iniwan. May mga sitwasyong sinubukan din ang tatag, at hanggang ngayon ay nananatiling matatag.

Minsa'y naisip na ding sumuko, pero hindi kailanma'y yumuko. Matagal nang ikinakahon ng sistema, ng iba. Ngunit hinding-hindi ang prinsipyo at paniniwala. Malayo ang tingin, abot langit ang hiling. Sinasabayan ang ihip ng hangin; Ibinulong niya ng mahinhin:

"Sumabay ka sa agos; Tuloy-tuloy, hindi ito natatapos; Pero tandaan na puwedeng huminga; Ulo'y iangat, madami ka pang makikita."

Change*

Watch how people change.
From smiles, to frowns, in different ways.
Watch how people change.
From their looks and glances, we weigh.
Watch how people change.
From their reactions and talks, we sigh.

Watch how things change.
It's uncontrollable, inevitable.
Watch how things change.
Sometimes it's hard to handle.
Watch how things change.
It unfolds just before you are able.

Things change. People change.
Sway through or get tangled.
Things change. People change.
Swim above and get trampled.
Things change. People change.
Look up or you'll tumble.

Things had changed. People had changed.

Sometimes, I'm really tired of people - the same set of people I met, mostly whom I am working with - I take a deal of being so careful of only letting a part of me for them to know.

Before, I used to be someone who's always craving for attention, seek to understand, asking for empathy or waiting for someone to save me - but little did I realize that it was so shit of me.

I still don't see myself staying with someone just because I can't stand to be alone.
What if being alone was actually the end of  this all?
Shouldn't I be prepared for the worst? Shouldn't I prepare for that possibility?
Because in the end, people just come and go.
Ironically, I'm also part of this people, I too, come and go.

How can we now that it's already the end of your role in one's life? In this endless void?

Let me go

See this that it has been a year from the last post here. How it really has been to me? Not really sure how would I answer that, but one's things for sure - I've been at least fine, just fine, but not all the time, as always.

Sure, 2018 sucked the emotions out of me - loneliness, insecurity, jealousy, intimidation, self-pity (which I think I still do sometimes), and giving-up.

And you think it changed this 2019? N O P E because this is not a fairy tale, sadly, this is the reality.

Let me start how mom's every day nagging on her stress at school business, which at the moment, she plans to have it three schools this school year. Can't you believe that? Where one or two schools already takes up our time and energy, tapos dadagdagan pa ng isa? So fucked up. And of course who am I to stop them - I am just a robot that they want. Sorry but I can't believe that you're doing this for me (much more ACTUALLY for big brother/nephew or whoever the fuck but not me because I don't like this.)

Call me someone not being appreciative or anything else, "para rin naman sainyo yun,syempre magulang mo sila" YEAH and I'm their hard savings in the business I don't even dream of.

Probably they don't believe that I can support them or (we can, together with big bro) or what I don't understand is how they stressed themselves when everything is fucking wrong in the first place at our family, but they blind about it. ORRR do they even have any idea HA HA HA how I hate everything, every people around me, including myself.

Yep don't get me start on loving myself because I know I love myself and I've been doing things I've never done and missed the chance to do so when I was in school because no fucking supported and motivated me. People kept creating a position, a situation for me but not asking me how I am, if I am good with it. SO SADLY I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK NOW.

As if anyone gives a fuck on me? NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

Guess what, I think I'm asexual - at times I'd dream of having a probably kids who'll I teach the things I've learned from my parents and of course things she should never do - which I got from my parents as well. BUT I DIDN'T LIKE A PARTNER. I've hated humans as much I've hated adults around me. I don't see myself getting along with someone I would slept and be with 24/7.

I'm better on my fucking own. Embracing the void. No one should deserve me as a lover, as a partner and as a wife. I'm already messed up anyway physically and emotionally.

Thank God, not in spiritually. I just pray every day that every people I meet will not suck out of me, that I'll be helpful to them, and that they won't experience what I have endured all this time.

I'm fucking sleepy now, let me go.

VERISIMILITUDE

This has been a while, a long time since the last time, but not until today.. I dreamt of you again.

You were happy and ecstatic, telling me about stuff and things. I just leaned to your shoulders and smiled. You were warm as usual, as expected.

I woke up confused, I wasn’t thinking about you yesterday, you didn’t even crossed in my mind last night. Then,maybe, just maybe.. were you thinking about me?”

Do you believe in Deja Vu? I believe in that because it happens to me a lot, many times, at unexpected moments.

I hope that dream won’t be a Deja Vu, it’s wrong and unnecessary, not even relevant, given the situation. I’m fine with how the things are now.



----

Hey, it's not. It's not completely fine. I can see it also to you, but you'll just deny it, that'll hurt me again.

Or maybe, not maybe, I just want someone. Someone who's warm and comfortable, and I felt it to you. I really want you. It saddens me or somehow affect me with that stern look you gave me last time, or when you didn't bother to look while I'm saying good bye to you.. Am I really that bad?

Is it really bad that I always wanted you yet I can't seem to express it because I am afraid.

Of what?

Of everything. Everything that matters.

It's push and pull for me, but I think it all or nothing for you; I feel like I'm being pushed all the way.

I might conclude now, that it is my fault in the end.
Poor me.

Being sensitive to everything is really a bane and a boon as well.

I'm so unlucky of me to be attached to someone like you. When you will speak to me again?

2018

It has been just the third month of the year and here I am again. The interval between this post and the previous one is too long, right? I could told you what happened to me there but I'm tired.

I'm tired to look back now, things have been caught me into two, both showing how good I am and sucking everything inside because of how bad I am. Breaking down lately in the middle of the late night is something not new to me, thinking how should I disappear one day is something I am, sometimes, fantasizing of. You'll end up being like me when your closest support group is not even close to you anymore. They have been thinking all of themselves. And I'm tired.

Save me from myself

You save everyone but who saves you?

Random thoughts have been running to and fro on my mind but none has actually explained what I am feeling lately. Disgust? Lonely? Anxiety? Depressed? Confused? Fucked up? Dying? Or I guess maybe that's all..
Easier said than done they say. But why the heck I can't even say it? Why don't I have the guts to fight for it without looking stupid or idiot or even crying? Why can't I find a person  to tell this that bottling things up?
Makes me want to do unnecessary things. Get drunk. Go home late. Do rebel things. Jumping off the bridge. Oops the last one might trigger anyone, I'm sorry.
I'm always sorry anyway. I'm always taken for granted. I'm always have to cope or else o I'll suffer so I choose the safest path. No risks, constant, and calm.
No thrill, no judgment, no pressure. 'Till it bores me, kills me-repetition, cycle, mediocrity. I am unhappy.
I am disgusted. I am lonely. I am anxious. I am depressed. I am confused. I am fucked up. I am dying.

Who saves me?