Let me go

See this that it has been a year from the last post here. How it really has been to me? Not really sure how would I answer that, but one's things for sure - I've been at least fine, just fine, but not all the time, as always.

Sure, 2018 sucked the emotions out of me - loneliness, insecurity, jealousy, intimidation, self-pity (which I think I still do sometimes), and giving-up.

And you think it changed this 2019? N O P E because this is not a fairy tale, sadly, this is the reality.

Let me start how mom's every day nagging on her stress at school business, which at the moment, she plans to have it three schools this school year. Can't you believe that? Where one or two schools already takes up our time and energy, tapos dadagdagan pa ng isa? So fucked up. And of course who am I to stop them - I am just a robot that they want. Sorry but I can't believe that you're doing this for me (much more ACTUALLY for big brother/nephew or whoever the fuck but not me because I don't like this.)

Call me someone not being appreciative or anything else, "para rin naman sainyo yun,syempre magulang mo sila" YEAH and I'm their hard savings in the business I don't even dream of.

Probably they don't believe that I can support them or (we can, together with big bro) or what I don't understand is how they stressed themselves when everything is fucking wrong in the first place at our family, but they blind about it. ORRR do they even have any idea HA HA HA how I hate everything, every people around me, including myself.

Yep don't get me start on loving myself because I know I love myself and I've been doing things I've never done and missed the chance to do so when I was in school because no fucking supported and motivated me. People kept creating a position, a situation for me but not asking me how I am, if I am good with it. SO SADLY I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK NOW.

As if anyone gives a fuck on me? NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

Guess what, I think I'm asexual - at times I'd dream of having a probably kids who'll I teach the things I've learned from my parents and of course things she should never do - which I got from my parents as well. BUT I DIDN'T LIKE A PARTNER. I've hated humans as much I've hated adults around me. I don't see myself getting along with someone I would slept and be with 24/7.

I'm better on my fucking own. Embracing the void. No one should deserve me as a lover, as a partner and as a wife. I'm already messed up anyway physically and emotionally.

Thank God, not in spiritually. I just pray every day that every people I meet will not suck out of me, that I'll be helpful to them, and that they won't experience what I have endured all this time.

I'm fucking sleepy now, let me go.