You save everyone but who saves you?
Random thoughts have been running to and fro on my mind but none has actually explained what I am feeling lately. Disgust? Lonely? Anxiety? Depressed? Confused? Fucked up? Dying? Or I guess maybe that's all..
Easier said than done they say. But why the heck I can't even say it? Why don't I have the guts to fight for it without looking stupid or idiot or even crying? Why can't I find a person to tell this that bottling things up?
Makes me want to do unnecessary things. Get drunk. Go home late. Do rebel things. Jumping off the bridge. Oops the last one might trigger anyone, I'm sorry.
I'm always sorry anyway. I'm always taken for granted. I'm always have to cope or else o I'll suffer so I choose the safest path. No risks, constant, and calm.
No thrill, no judgment, no pressure. 'Till it bores me, kills me-repetition, cycle, mediocrity. I am unhappy.
I am disgusted. I am lonely. I am anxious. I am depressed. I am confused. I am fucked up. I am dying.
Who saves me?
Friday, May 19, 2017
Save me from myself
Thursday, May 4, 2017
HAUNTED
A person finds it easier to approach another person when they see them happy but it makes them hard to when this person is sad or depressed. Why is there such a stigma on depression? Depression is not even contagious unlike any other diseases yet many people avoid it. Kung gaano kahirap para sa isang tao na sabihing depressed siya, yun naman siyang bilis ng mga taong nakikinig sakanya na bumato ng mga tanong o salita na hindi naman makakatulong. 'Just let it go,' 'Maybe that's mood swings,' 'be positive'. That's the exact lines they've already seen on inspirational tv shows or have already read on books, and that should be obvious, because did you not think they've already tried those to save themselves? They're self-aware, yes, believe me, but those people around them, were they aware of what's going on? Don't they think if a certain person was ever asked throughout the day, 'Kumusta?' Well, unless they think.
For every day that has ended for a depressed person, it's a day where no one knows again what happened on his day and how will he bring himself again to wake up the next day, wishing today is finally the day that someone will ask. Someone will be brave enough to listen. Yes, LISTEN. That's the only thing they need; not those petty reassuring words or encouraging wisdoms for they're sick of trying on it. It's as simple as that right? You don't need to solve a person's depression, they're not a burden to you, because that's what hits them, being someone's BURDEN. They need a companion, a friend, a colleague. Was that hard to everybody?
And do you have any idea what's the least and unfavorable thing that could happen? It might be one day, they would stop the world at their own hands and we don't have any other choice but to voice a eulogy for them.
For every day that has ended for a depressed person, it's a day where no one knows again what happened on his day and how will he bring himself again to wake up the next day, wishing today is finally the day that someone will ask. Someone will be brave enough to listen. Yes, LISTEN. That's the only thing they need; not those petty reassuring words or encouraging wisdoms for they're sick of trying on it. It's as simple as that right? You don't need to solve a person's depression, they're not a burden to you, because that's what hits them, being someone's BURDEN. They need a companion, a friend, a colleague. Was that hard to everybody?
And do you have any idea what's the least and unfavorable thing that could happen? It might be one day, they would stop the world at their own hands and we don't have any other choice but to voice a eulogy for them.
Saturday, March 4, 2017
Three-month rule
2017, why did things ended up this way?
I was really convinced that night, with the help of my friend, to finally confess. My feelings for her, whether if this is really a serious thing or just a bullshit kind, I didn't care. As long as I would have an answer. Be it YES or NO.
I contacted her through chat, to meet me after work, at the nearest fast food chain just around our workplace, and she said, 'sure'. I clearly remember that day, it was Friday, it's not even raining, the day's perfectly good but I am certainly not.
She arrived first at the meet up place, waiting for me outside the food chain. I paused for awhile and stared at her, I wished at that moment that this wouldn't be the last time that I could do this. I can still tell you the details on what she looked like on that moment: holding up her phone, arms leaning on the metal grills, she's wearing white shirt, black pants and boots. She prefers boots than just ordinary shoes. Her body bag on left arm, it is maroon in color, her favorite one. She has a long black hair, just midway length of her body.
With a deep sigh, I know where is this going. I finally approached her to come inside the food chain and took our seats. I recalled asking her if she wants some drink but she says no thanks. I began by apologizing for what happened last year, of all the confusing things I did, she said it's okay, but she noted that it was the first time since 2017 started that we talked again like that. I just smiled. I didn't pushed myself hard into her when I made the confession. I set things clear and straight—I just want an answer.
Honestly, I wasn't expecting anything. I told her that I like her now, no reasons why and when, and she didn't even bother to ask. Followed up with the words, 'I just want to know if we're on the same boat—do you like me too?'
She smiled, her face turned pinkish, like the first time I saw it when we're together in theaters, when I brushed off the dirt on her cheek—it was almost the same reaction today. But how my heart reacted is entirely different at this moment: she responded then by 'no', and smiled again. Continued with reasons that she might be always joking that she wants to be in relationship, but she haven't thought of it seriously, and of course, she wants to focus first on her career. And ended asking me, 'then, are we okay now?'
Are we really OKAY now? I forced to say, 'yes sure, I just want an answer, you know.' then I smiled.
She mentioned also that she was quite disappointed when I wasn't talking to her that much.. in a very low voice, that I even asked her to repeat what she was saying, and I apologized again. But I didn't promise that everything will be OKAY after this moment.
We went out of the place and I offered to usher her up to the waiting area for buses going home. She said sure, of course. Leaving her there was the end. I know what I did will end everything between me and her.
Few days after, even we didn't talk about it anymore, we tried to be civil and normal at work. But with every glances and smiles at each other—we knew something has changed.
Going back to her question, 'then, are we okay now?' I should've said 'no, I'm not; and I'm not sure when will I ever be okay again, but soon, I should be.'
She first initiated that question but after that day, she never approached me first since then. It was always me who always try to make a conversation—but it was only one-way communication.
Until I gave up. I recall myself thinking to resign, a bit pathetic move for someone who got rejected, but I focused now on myself and my family.
She mentioned that she was quite disappointed when I wasn't talking to her that much. I think she should better know now, and she should've understood it: no one stays at the same place where they got hurt. They move and don't look back.
I must move and don't look back. Telling this anonymously lessens all the worries and the idea of missing you. It's hard because I got to see you everyday, five days a week, 8 hours a day. It's hard because you don't even ask 'how's my day? how are you?'. And I looked stupid for doing that.
And sometimes I wonder who's responsible of this mess between us... Of course, me.
I should've saved myself a long time ago. Intellectualized my emotions.
Hello hello. Goodbye, goodbye.
I was really convinced that night, with the help of my friend, to finally confess. My feelings for her, whether if this is really a serious thing or just a bullshit kind, I didn't care. As long as I would have an answer. Be it YES or NO.
I contacted her through chat, to meet me after work, at the nearest fast food chain just around our workplace, and she said, 'sure'. I clearly remember that day, it was Friday, it's not even raining, the day's perfectly good but I am certainly not.
She arrived first at the meet up place, waiting for me outside the food chain. I paused for awhile and stared at her, I wished at that moment that this wouldn't be the last time that I could do this. I can still tell you the details on what she looked like on that moment: holding up her phone, arms leaning on the metal grills, she's wearing white shirt, black pants and boots. She prefers boots than just ordinary shoes. Her body bag on left arm, it is maroon in color, her favorite one. She has a long black hair, just midway length of her body.
With a deep sigh, I know where is this going. I finally approached her to come inside the food chain and took our seats. I recalled asking her if she wants some drink but she says no thanks. I began by apologizing for what happened last year, of all the confusing things I did, she said it's okay, but she noted that it was the first time since 2017 started that we talked again like that. I just smiled. I didn't pushed myself hard into her when I made the confession. I set things clear and straight—I just want an answer.
Honestly, I wasn't expecting anything. I told her that I like her now, no reasons why and when, and she didn't even bother to ask. Followed up with the words, 'I just want to know if we're on the same boat—do you like me too?'
She smiled, her face turned pinkish, like the first time I saw it when we're together in theaters, when I brushed off the dirt on her cheek—it was almost the same reaction today. But how my heart reacted is entirely different at this moment: she responded then by 'no', and smiled again. Continued with reasons that she might be always joking that she wants to be in relationship, but she haven't thought of it seriously, and of course, she wants to focus first on her career. And ended asking me, 'then, are we okay now?'
Are we really OKAY now? I forced to say, 'yes sure, I just want an answer, you know.' then I smiled.
She mentioned also that she was quite disappointed when I wasn't talking to her that much.. in a very low voice, that I even asked her to repeat what she was saying, and I apologized again. But I didn't promise that everything will be OKAY after this moment.
We went out of the place and I offered to usher her up to the waiting area for buses going home. She said sure, of course. Leaving her there was the end. I know what I did will end everything between me and her.
Few days after, even we didn't talk about it anymore, we tried to be civil and normal at work. But with every glances and smiles at each other—we knew something has changed.
Going back to her question, 'then, are we okay now?' I should've said 'no, I'm not; and I'm not sure when will I ever be okay again, but soon, I should be.'
She first initiated that question but after that day, she never approached me first since then. It was always me who always try to make a conversation—but it was only one-way communication.
Until I gave up. I recall myself thinking to resign, a bit pathetic move for someone who got rejected, but I focused now on myself and my family.
She mentioned that she was quite disappointed when I wasn't talking to her that much. I think she should better know now, and she should've understood it: no one stays at the same place where they got hurt. They move and don't look back.
I must move and don't look back. Telling this anonymously lessens all the worries and the idea of missing you. It's hard because I got to see you everyday, five days a week, 8 hours a day. It's hard because you don't even ask 'how's my day? how are you?'. And I looked stupid for doing that.
And sometimes I wonder who's responsible of this mess between us... Of course, me.
I should've saved myself a long time ago. Intellectualized my emotions.
Hello hello. Goodbye, goodbye.
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