Three-month rule

2017, why did things ended up this way?

I was really convinced that night, with the help of my friend, to finally confess. My feelings for her, whether if this is really a serious thing or just a bullshit kind, I didn't care. As long as I would have an answer. Be it YES or NO.

I contacted her through chat, to meet me after work, at the nearest fast food chain just around our workplace, and she said, 'sure'. I clearly remember that day, it was Friday, it's not even raining, the day's perfectly good but I am certainly not.

She arrived first at the meet up place, waiting for me outside the food chain. I paused for awhile and stared at her, I wished at that moment that this wouldn't be the last time that I could do this. I can still tell you the details on what she looked like on that moment: holding up her phone, arms leaning on the metal grills, she's wearing white shirt, black pants and boots. She prefers boots than just ordinary shoes. Her body bag on left arm, it is maroon in color, her favorite one. She has a long black hair, just midway length of her body.

With a deep sigh, I know where is this going. I finally approached her to come inside the food chain and took our seats. I recalled asking her if she wants some drink but she says no thanks. I began by apologizing for what happened last year, of all the confusing things I did, she said it's okay, but she noted that it was the first time since 2017 started that we talked again like that. I just smiled. I didn't pushed myself hard into her when I made the confession. I set things clear and straight—I just want an answer.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting anything. I told her that I like her now, no reasons why and when, and she didn't even bother to ask. Followed up with the words, 'I just want to know if we're on the same boat—do you like me too?'

She smiled, her face turned pinkish, like the first time I saw it when we're together in theaters, when I brushed off the dirt on her cheek—it was almost the same reaction today. But how my heart reacted is entirely different at this moment: she responded then by 'no', and smiled again. Continued with reasons that she might be always joking that she wants to be in relationship, but she haven't thought of it seriously, and of course, she wants to focus first on her career. And ended asking me, 'then, are we okay now?'

Are we really OKAY now? I forced to say, 'yes sure, I just want an answer, you know.' then I smiled.
She mentioned also that she was quite disappointed when I wasn't talking to her that much.. in a very low voice, that I even asked her to repeat what she was saying, and I apologized again. But I didn't promise that everything will be OKAY after this moment.

We went out of the place and I offered to usher her up to the waiting area for buses going home. She said sure, of course. Leaving her there was the end. I know what I did will end everything between me and her.


Few days after, even we didn't talk about it anymore, we tried to be civil and normal at work. But with every glances and smiles at each other—we knew something has changed.
Going back to her question, 'then, are we okay now?' I should've said 'no, I'm not; and I'm not sure when will I ever be okay again, but soon, I should be.'

She first initiated that question but after that day, she never approached me first since then. It was always me  who always try to make a conversation—but it was only one-way communication.
Until I gave up. I recall myself thinking to resign, a bit pathetic move for someone who got rejected, but I focused now on myself and my family.

She mentioned that she was quite disappointed when I wasn't talking to her that much. I think she should better know now, and she should've understood it: no one stays at the same place where they got hurt. They move and don't look back.

I must move and don't look back. Telling this anonymously lessens all the worries and the idea of missing you. It's hard because I got to see you everyday, five days a week, 8 hours a day. It's hard because you don't even ask 'how's my day? how are you?'. And I looked stupid for doing that.

And sometimes I wonder who's responsible of this mess between us... Of course, me.

I should've saved  myself a long time ago. Intellectualized my emotions.

Hello hello. Goodbye, goodbye.