VERISIMILITUDE

This has been a while, a long time since the last time, but not until today.. I dreamt of you again.

You were happy and ecstatic, telling me about stuff and things. I just leaned to your shoulders and smiled. You were warm as usual, as expected.

I woke up confused, I wasn’t thinking about you yesterday, you didn’t even crossed in my mind last night. Then,maybe, just maybe.. were you thinking about me?”

Do you believe in Deja Vu? I believe in that because it happens to me a lot, many times, at unexpected moments.

I hope that dream won’t be a Deja Vu, it’s wrong and unnecessary, not even relevant, given the situation. I’m fine with how the things are now.



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Hey, it's not. It's not completely fine. I can see it also to you, but you'll just deny it, that'll hurt me again.

Or maybe, not maybe, I just want someone. Someone who's warm and comfortable, and I felt it to you. I really want you. It saddens me or somehow affect me with that stern look you gave me last time, or when you didn't bother to look while I'm saying good bye to you.. Am I really that bad?

Is it really bad that I always wanted you yet I can't seem to express it because I am afraid.

Of what?

Of everything. Everything that matters.

It's push and pull for me, but I think it all or nothing for you; I feel like I'm being pushed all the way.

I might conclude now, that it is my fault in the end.
Poor me.

Being sensitive to everything is really a bane and a boon as well.

I'm so unlucky of me to be attached to someone like you. When you will speak to me again?

2018

It has been just the third month of the year and here I am again. The interval between this post and the previous one is too long, right? I could told you what happened to me there but I'm tired.

I'm tired to look back now, things have been caught me into two, both showing how good I am and sucking everything inside because of how bad I am. Breaking down lately in the middle of the late night is something not new to me, thinking how should I disappear one day is something I am, sometimes, fantasizing of. You'll end up being like me when your closest support group is not even close to you anymore. They have been thinking all of themselves. And I'm tired.