Let me go

See this that it has been a year from the last post here. How it really has been to me? Not really sure how would I answer that, but one's things for sure - I've been at least fine, just fine, but not all the time, as always.

Sure, 2018 sucked the emotions out of me - loneliness, insecurity, jealousy, intimidation, self-pity (which I think I still do sometimes), and giving-up.

And you think it changed this 2019? N O P E because this is not a fairy tale, sadly, this is the reality.

Let me start how mom's every day nagging on her stress at school business, which at the moment, she plans to have it three schools this school year. Can't you believe that? Where one or two schools already takes up our time and energy, tapos dadagdagan pa ng isa? So fucked up. And of course who am I to stop them - I am just a robot that they want. Sorry but I can't believe that you're doing this for me (much more ACTUALLY for big brother/nephew or whoever the fuck but not me because I don't like this.)

Call me someone not being appreciative or anything else, "para rin naman sainyo yun,syempre magulang mo sila" YEAH and I'm their hard savings in the business I don't even dream of.

Probably they don't believe that I can support them or (we can, together with big bro) or what I don't understand is how they stressed themselves when everything is fucking wrong in the first place at our family, but they blind about it. ORRR do they even have any idea HA HA HA how I hate everything, every people around me, including myself.

Yep don't get me start on loving myself because I know I love myself and I've been doing things I've never done and missed the chance to do so when I was in school because no fucking supported and motivated me. People kept creating a position, a situation for me but not asking me how I am, if I am good with it. SO SADLY I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK NOW.

As if anyone gives a fuck on me? NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

Guess what, I think I'm asexual - at times I'd dream of having a probably kids who'll I teach the things I've learned from my parents and of course things she should never do - which I got from my parents as well. BUT I DIDN'T LIKE A PARTNER. I've hated humans as much I've hated adults around me. I don't see myself getting along with someone I would slept and be with 24/7.

I'm better on my fucking own. Embracing the void. No one should deserve me as a lover, as a partner and as a wife. I'm already messed up anyway physically and emotionally.

Thank God, not in spiritually. I just pray every day that every people I meet will not suck out of me, that I'll be helpful to them, and that they won't experience what I have endured all this time.

I'm fucking sleepy now, let me go.

VERISIMILITUDE

This has been a while, a long time since the last time, but not until today.. I dreamt of you again.

You were happy and ecstatic, telling me about stuff and things. I just leaned to your shoulders and smiled. You were warm as usual, as expected.

I woke up confused, I wasn’t thinking about you yesterday, you didn’t even crossed in my mind last night. Then,maybe, just maybe.. were you thinking about me?”

Do you believe in Deja Vu? I believe in that because it happens to me a lot, many times, at unexpected moments.

I hope that dream won’t be a Deja Vu, it’s wrong and unnecessary, not even relevant, given the situation. I’m fine with how the things are now.



----

Hey, it's not. It's not completely fine. I can see it also to you, but you'll just deny it, that'll hurt me again.

Or maybe, not maybe, I just want someone. Someone who's warm and comfortable, and I felt it to you. I really want you. It saddens me or somehow affect me with that stern look you gave me last time, or when you didn't bother to look while I'm saying good bye to you.. Am I really that bad?

Is it really bad that I always wanted you yet I can't seem to express it because I am afraid.

Of what?

Of everything. Everything that matters.

It's push and pull for me, but I think it all or nothing for you; I feel like I'm being pushed all the way.

I might conclude now, that it is my fault in the end.
Poor me.

Being sensitive to everything is really a bane and a boon as well.

I'm so unlucky of me to be attached to someone like you. When you will speak to me again?

2018

It has been just the third month of the year and here I am again. The interval between this post and the previous one is too long, right? I could told you what happened to me there but I'm tired.

I'm tired to look back now, things have been caught me into two, both showing how good I am and sucking everything inside because of how bad I am. Breaking down lately in the middle of the late night is something not new to me, thinking how should I disappear one day is something I am, sometimes, fantasizing of. You'll end up being like me when your closest support group is not even close to you anymore. They have been thinking all of themselves. And I'm tired.

Save me from myself

You save everyone but who saves you?

Random thoughts have been running to and fro on my mind but none has actually explained what I am feeling lately. Disgust? Lonely? Anxiety? Depressed? Confused? Fucked up? Dying? Or I guess maybe that's all..
Easier said than done they say. But why the heck I can't even say it? Why don't I have the guts to fight for it without looking stupid or idiot or even crying? Why can't I find a person  to tell this that bottling things up?
Makes me want to do unnecessary things. Get drunk. Go home late. Do rebel things. Jumping off the bridge. Oops the last one might trigger anyone, I'm sorry.
I'm always sorry anyway. I'm always taken for granted. I'm always have to cope or else o I'll suffer so I choose the safest path. No risks, constant, and calm.
No thrill, no judgment, no pressure. 'Till it bores me, kills me-repetition, cycle, mediocrity. I am unhappy.
I am disgusted. I am lonely. I am anxious. I am depressed. I am confused. I am fucked up. I am dying.

Who saves me?

HAUNTED

A person finds it easier to approach another person when they see them happy but it makes them hard to when this person is sad or depressed. Why is there such a stigma on depression? Depression is not even contagious unlike any other diseases yet many people avoid it. Kung gaano kahirap para sa isang tao na sabihing depressed siya, yun naman siyang bilis ng mga taong nakikinig sakanya na bumato ng mga tanong o salita na hindi naman makakatulong. 'Just let it go,' 'Maybe that's mood swings,' 'be positive'. That's the exact lines they've already seen on inspirational tv shows or have already read on books, and that should be obvious, because did you not think they've already tried those to save themselves? They're self-aware, yes, believe me, but those people around them, were they aware of what's going on? Don't they think if a certain person was ever asked throughout the day, 'Kumusta?' Well, unless they think.

For every day that has ended for a depressed person, it's a day where no one knows again what happened on his day and how will he bring himself again to wake up the next day, wishing today is finally the day that someone will ask. Someone will be brave enough to listen. Yes, LISTEN. That's the only thing they need; not those petty reassuring words or encouraging wisdoms for they're sick of trying on it. It's as simple as that right? You don't need to solve a person's depression, they're not a burden to you, because that's what hits them, being someone's BURDEN. They need a companion, a friend, a colleague. Was that hard to everybody?

And do you have any idea what's the least and unfavorable thing that could happen? It might be one day, they would stop the world at their own hands and we don't have any other choice but to voice a eulogy for them.

Three-month rule

2017, why did things ended up this way?

I was really convinced that night, with the help of my friend, to finally confess. My feelings for her, whether if this is really a serious thing or just a bullshit kind, I didn't care. As long as I would have an answer. Be it YES or NO.

I contacted her through chat, to meet me after work, at the nearest fast food chain just around our workplace, and she said, 'sure'. I clearly remember that day, it was Friday, it's not even raining, the day's perfectly good but I am certainly not.

She arrived first at the meet up place, waiting for me outside the food chain. I paused for awhile and stared at her, I wished at that moment that this wouldn't be the last time that I could do this. I can still tell you the details on what she looked like on that moment: holding up her phone, arms leaning on the metal grills, she's wearing white shirt, black pants and boots. She prefers boots than just ordinary shoes. Her body bag on left arm, it is maroon in color, her favorite one. She has a long black hair, just midway length of her body.

With a deep sigh, I know where is this going. I finally approached her to come inside the food chain and took our seats. I recalled asking her if she wants some drink but she says no thanks. I began by apologizing for what happened last year, of all the confusing things I did, she said it's okay, but she noted that it was the first time since 2017 started that we talked again like that. I just smiled. I didn't pushed myself hard into her when I made the confession. I set things clear and straight—I just want an answer.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting anything. I told her that I like her now, no reasons why and when, and she didn't even bother to ask. Followed up with the words, 'I just want to know if we're on the same boat—do you like me too?'

She smiled, her face turned pinkish, like the first time I saw it when we're together in theaters, when I brushed off the dirt on her cheek—it was almost the same reaction today. But how my heart reacted is entirely different at this moment: she responded then by 'no', and smiled again. Continued with reasons that she might be always joking that she wants to be in relationship, but she haven't thought of it seriously, and of course, she wants to focus first on her career. And ended asking me, 'then, are we okay now?'

Are we really OKAY now? I forced to say, 'yes sure, I just want an answer, you know.' then I smiled.
She mentioned also that she was quite disappointed when I wasn't talking to her that much.. in a very low voice, that I even asked her to repeat what she was saying, and I apologized again. But I didn't promise that everything will be OKAY after this moment.

We went out of the place and I offered to usher her up to the waiting area for buses going home. She said sure, of course. Leaving her there was the end. I know what I did will end everything between me and her.


Few days after, even we didn't talk about it anymore, we tried to be civil and normal at work. But with every glances and smiles at each other—we knew something has changed.
Going back to her question, 'then, are we okay now?' I should've said 'no, I'm not; and I'm not sure when will I ever be okay again, but soon, I should be.'

She first initiated that question but after that day, she never approached me first since then. It was always me  who always try to make a conversation—but it was only one-way communication.
Until I gave up. I recall myself thinking to resign, a bit pathetic move for someone who got rejected, but I focused now on myself and my family.

She mentioned that she was quite disappointed when I wasn't talking to her that much. I think she should better know now, and she should've understood it: no one stays at the same place where they got hurt. They move and don't look back.

I must move and don't look back. Telling this anonymously lessens all the worries and the idea of missing you. It's hard because I got to see you everyday, five days a week, 8 hours a day. It's hard because you don't even ask 'how's my day? how are you?'. And I looked stupid for doing that.

And sometimes I wonder who's responsible of this mess between us... Of course, me.

I should've saved  myself a long time ago. Intellectualized my emotions.

Hello hello. Goodbye, goodbye.

Before 2016 ends

Hello. This has been a really looooong time! So where should I start?
I'm actually thinking twice if I should make another entry here before 2016 ends or.. but I realize I have to let this one go for me to start a new, clear, and bright 2017. ;)

Mostly things at work had gone crazy and messed up. Haha. School's fine, nothing thrilling much. We're done with Year-End party so the graduation ceremony would be the only problem on 2017. As at the office, I got regularized last October! Awesome, right?  Company activities were laid on our way, so I participated on some like blocked cinema screening, donations for seedlings, and aeta tutorial. I must say that I got pretty close to some of my workmates which shouldn't be bad but things really cross the line when you least expect it...

I had a crush on someone.
But hey, that wasn't bad, right? Every one has or had a crush. However, SHE might not feel the same.. and I started questioning myself too; am I just bored? am I just curious? am I just confused? or am I just too thrilled with the idea of being loved? With what happened right now, I would answer YES to these questions.

I approached her twice about these feelings I had, she probably finds it amusing since she also confessed that she felt the same way not until I apologized to her with my non-stop jests and cheesy jokes I say to her—when that's also the exact time that I felt something loud in my chest. After the first time we talked, I admit, it lessened the feelings I had for her, but it was still there. :(

Just two days before out vacation starts, I conversed with her for the second time. This time, I was planning to make this one out for once. If possible. If I could ask her to at least try it. But that day, those words and reactions I've heard and seen we're not the ones I had expected. I'd now prefer to assume that she doesn't see me the way I see her. End of the story.

That then I realized that it was always only me until the very end. I crushed myself with my own words and expectations. Even up until now, it is not yet gone in my heart and mind. I need space. I'm planning to avoid her as much as possible, this may sound lame and might label me as 'someone who's afraid of love', then why should I give time to someone who doesn't feel the same way to me?

--
Hi. This may be harsh but I hope you'll get why I said and did that last time. But if you don't, just please understand me. I'll now stop communicating to you—last time, I said I'll miss you when vacation comes and you just thanked me. How stupid I am to expect you to say the same thing? Pft. Funny.
I'll now stop noticing you—I said that what do you have that I still have these feelings for you but you just responded by saying what should you do now; how stupid I am in expecting you to at least show some/say caring words to me. Assuming.
I'll now stop smiling—for that day, when I asked you about us, you told me that you don't expect anything and also you do not see yourself with me. I felt so lost, which I observed that you don't value something/someone that much. In which I hope you'll regret sooner or later.
--

I realized that we met people for two reasons:
Either they'll stay and be with you or they'll just actually pass by and remind you of life's lessons. :)

Honestly, I'm 50% fine now and moving on. I'm on accepting phase but for sure, I won't be the same old she knows by 2017. It's too tiring.

See you next year!
<3