Three-month rule

2017, why did things ended up this way?

I was really convinced that night, with the help of my friend, to finally confess. My feelings for her, whether if this is really a serious thing or just a bullshit kind, I didn't care. As long as I would have an answer. Be it YES or NO.

I contacted her through chat, to meet me after work, at the nearest fast food chain just around our workplace, and she said, 'sure'. I clearly remember that day, it was Friday, it's not even raining, the day's perfectly good but I am certainly not.

She arrived first at the meet up place, waiting for me outside the food chain. I paused for awhile and stared at her, I wished at that moment that this wouldn't be the last time that I could do this. I can still tell you the details on what she looked like on that moment: holding up her phone, arms leaning on the metal grills, she's wearing white shirt, black pants and boots. She prefers boots than just ordinary shoes. Her body bag on left arm, it is maroon in color, her favorite one. She has a long black hair, just midway length of her body.

With a deep sigh, I know where is this going. I finally approached her to come inside the food chain and took our seats. I recalled asking her if she wants some drink but she says no thanks. I began by apologizing for what happened last year, of all the confusing things I did, she said it's okay, but she noted that it was the first time since 2017 started that we talked again like that. I just smiled. I didn't pushed myself hard into her when I made the confession. I set things clear and straight—I just want an answer.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting anything. I told her that I like her now, no reasons why and when, and she didn't even bother to ask. Followed up with the words, 'I just want to know if we're on the same boat—do you like me too?'

She smiled, her face turned pinkish, like the first time I saw it when we're together in theaters, when I brushed off the dirt on her cheek—it was almost the same reaction today. But how my heart reacted is entirely different at this moment: she responded then by 'no', and smiled again. Continued with reasons that she might be always joking that she wants to be in relationship, but she haven't thought of it seriously, and of course, she wants to focus first on her career. And ended asking me, 'then, are we okay now?'

Are we really OKAY now? I forced to say, 'yes sure, I just want an answer, you know.' then I smiled.
She mentioned also that she was quite disappointed when I wasn't talking to her that much.. in a very low voice, that I even asked her to repeat what she was saying, and I apologized again. But I didn't promise that everything will be OKAY after this moment.

We went out of the place and I offered to usher her up to the waiting area for buses going home. She said sure, of course. Leaving her there was the end. I know what I did will end everything between me and her.


Few days after, even we didn't talk about it anymore, we tried to be civil and normal at work. But with every glances and smiles at each other—we knew something has changed.
Going back to her question, 'then, are we okay now?' I should've said 'no, I'm not; and I'm not sure when will I ever be okay again, but soon, I should be.'

She first initiated that question but after that day, she never approached me first since then. It was always me  who always try to make a conversation—but it was only one-way communication.
Until I gave up. I recall myself thinking to resign, a bit pathetic move for someone who got rejected, but I focused now on myself and my family.

She mentioned that she was quite disappointed when I wasn't talking to her that much. I think she should better know now, and she should've understood it: no one stays at the same place where they got hurt. They move and don't look back.

I must move and don't look back. Telling this anonymously lessens all the worries and the idea of missing you. It's hard because I got to see you everyday, five days a week, 8 hours a day. It's hard because you don't even ask 'how's my day? how are you?'. And I looked stupid for doing that.

And sometimes I wonder who's responsible of this mess between us... Of course, me.

I should've saved  myself a long time ago. Intellectualized my emotions.

Hello hello. Goodbye, goodbye.

Before 2016 ends

Hello. This has been a really looooong time! So where should I start?
I'm actually thinking twice if I should make another entry here before 2016 ends or.. but I realize I have to let this one go for me to start a new, clear, and bright 2017. ;)

Mostly things at work had gone crazy and messed up. Haha. School's fine, nothing thrilling much. We're done with Year-End party so the graduation ceremony would be the only problem on 2017. As at the office, I got regularized last October! Awesome, right?  Company activities were laid on our way, so I participated on some like blocked cinema screening, donations for seedlings, and aeta tutorial. I must say that I got pretty close to some of my workmates which shouldn't be bad but things really cross the line when you least expect it...

I had a crush on someone.
But hey, that wasn't bad, right? Every one has or had a crush. However, SHE might not feel the same.. and I started questioning myself too; am I just bored? am I just curious? am I just confused? or am I just too thrilled with the idea of being loved? With what happened right now, I would answer YES to these questions.

I approached her twice about these feelings I had, she probably finds it amusing since she also confessed that she felt the same way not until I apologized to her with my non-stop jests and cheesy jokes I say to her—when that's also the exact time that I felt something loud in my chest. After the first time we talked, I admit, it lessened the feelings I had for her, but it was still there. :(

Just two days before out vacation starts, I conversed with her for the second time. This time, I was planning to make this one out for once. If possible. If I could ask her to at least try it. But that day, those words and reactions I've heard and seen we're not the ones I had expected. I'd now prefer to assume that she doesn't see me the way I see her. End of the story.

That then I realized that it was always only me until the very end. I crushed myself with my own words and expectations. Even up until now, it is not yet gone in my heart and mind. I need space. I'm planning to avoid her as much as possible, this may sound lame and might label me as 'someone who's afraid of love', then why should I give time to someone who doesn't feel the same way to me?

--
Hi. This may be harsh but I hope you'll get why I said and did that last time. But if you don't, just please understand me. I'll now stop communicating to you—last time, I said I'll miss you when vacation comes and you just thanked me. How stupid I am to expect you to say the same thing? Pft. Funny.
I'll now stop noticing you—I said that what do you have that I still have these feelings for you but you just responded by saying what should you do now; how stupid I am in expecting you to at least show some/say caring words to me. Assuming.
I'll now stop smiling—for that day, when I asked you about us, you told me that you don't expect anything and also you do not see yourself with me. I felt so lost, which I observed that you don't value something/someone that much. In which I hope you'll regret sooner or later.
--

I realized that we met people for two reasons:
Either they'll stay and be with you or they'll just actually pass by and remind you of life's lessons. :)

Honestly, I'm 50% fine now and moving on. I'm on accepting phase but for sure, I won't be the same old she knows by 2017. It's too tiring.

See you next year!
<3

Shoot away

Hey! It has been awhile, right? Many things had happened to me lately, and I can't really run it down right away, so.. at work! I'm going for 5th month by September, yay! On good side of it, I'm thankful that I got a wonderful company where work is valued as much as the employee. Although I can see that I won't last long in there, but I realized that you would only experience new things outside your environment if you would let yourself.

On the downside of this, remember I had two jobs at the moment, right? It sucks bigtime actually. I barely had enough sleep everyday  (and barely have enough time to enjoy/make fun with friends) since time isn't in my hands.  And also if you're under controlled by someone, what would you expect? tsss

I see myself that whenever I post here, it would just mean I'm pissed or it's another day of me being a loser/stupid. Being controlled, yeah, that's my mom. A narcissistic one, only thinks of herself. She's tired, she's sick of managing things, she's already burnt out of energy in dealing with others, all about herself. And I, who just always follows her orders, is just nothing for her. I get it and I'm used to it.

That's where probably I get my 'I don't care' attitude at times. However, at least, I know how to care on people who cares also for me.

This is just another day of rant, since mom wouldn't allow me to join in a getaway trip. See, 22 year-old lady who won't be able to come because her mom doesn't want her to. Suckers. She's been telling me that it's too far, well OBVIOUSLY, that's why it is a TRIP!!

I'll be forever trapped and I think on the parallel world or if I would be born again, I'll just be a nun.

As far as I am concerned, I am not a chess piece.

Susan Villanueva

12:55am
30.05.16

Hello!
You might be surprised that I came back too early, huh? Well, I must say now that I'm feeling good!
After that intense writing I did on my previous post and a frustrating event that happened in my work, I felt that I was able to release all my tensions and anxiousness. I'm not going to recall the frustrating scenario, but instead, I'm going to be thankful to my colleague at work who reminded me that I'm just a human after all, trying to be perfect on things with all of my own imperfections. sigh

It's early morning today of Monday, I have no work for tomorrow, so I seize this time to reflect and clear up my thoughts as the school season's coming again! Time flies so fast, I would've not noticed also that I'm going two months at work, which I guess, a little achievement for me! lol.

The thing is, with the help of my very good colleague of mine and a book that I've read during those times, I realized that I was missing a lot from this life I had. I forgot that I could actually fight my pessimist side for most of the time; I forgot that I can actually voice out my thoughts just like how I do with my students during discussion; I forgot that I have the option to go with the flow instead of hating everybody around me, without sacrificing who am I and what I want. I forgot that I also have my personal and family goals, in which, it's too early to quit. All of these were thanks to Susan. Aka Stargirl.

Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
The book is about a home-schooled girl (aka Susan Caraway) who showed how life is all about with kindness and love at Mica High School which resulted in an ecstatic change in the school's academe, morals and culture.

“She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we tried to pin her to a cork board like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew.”

“Who's love do you cherish more? Hers or theirs?  When you decide that, it's all downhill from there.” 

Aaaaaand there's this an American (Hispanic/Latin lead actors actually) TV show that I'm in guilty pleasure of during weekends. I started at this since summer, where I can really relate well on Jane, the lead actress. (I even followed some of the cast on Twitter, they're are really something, I swear!)
The show had finished seasons 1 & 2, and it was confirmed that they'll be working on season 3 for October release! Yay! I'll tell you what, I'm ready to finish season 2 this summer! Aja!

Jane the Virgin by C.W. Network
Jane Gloriana-Villanueva is a virgin since birth and almost-married to her long time boyfriend Michael, who is a cop. At the day of her pap smear schedule, she was accidentally inseminated with a sperm of a married rich man owner of Marbella Hotel, Rafael. Little did she know that the doctor who artificially inseminated her was Raf's half-sister, Luisa Alver and Raf was her first kiss/love she had way back her junior days. Then there where things had gone insane for Jane, Michael and Rafael's lives.

Jane (aka Gina Rodriguez IRL) is verrrrrrry lovely. Both persons, whether in character or real life, excludes so much positivity and real-life reactions on every day life's challenges. I adore how they handle things in a systematic way (although Jane freaks out much of her times) and stays on track of it.

These two literary pieces got so much of me to be motivated again to wake up every morning with a smile.
I hope you can now guess what does the title of this blog post means. :)))


I guess this is all for today.
Good Morning! :)

PS. This is a late post after my connection got lost yesterday. See you soon! ^^

Berserk

I don't know if I'm liking the fact that I passed and made it here for certification.

I don't know if I'm seeing myself here for the next two to whatever years after the meeting today regarding promotion.

I don't know if I'm doing this for my passion or just an easy way to achieve my goals; or probably our family's goals.

I don't know if I'm enjoying this.

I don't know if I should care or I shouldn't.

I don't know if I have to be part of it or go with how everybody goes.

I don't know if I still have anything I must know.

I don't know if I really know.

Hi, I know it has been a month since we talked, I mean, I told everything my life to you.

I don't think I can describe it in one word or in anything,It was just a month but everything went 'berserk'. Yeah, that's the word, I guess so.

Let me start at the part where I was officially hired, yes, I told you last time that I am going to look for a job.

This was the first craziness, it wasn't just a 'summer' job that I intented to have, it was a full-time job.

The good side of it is,it in mid-shift, I have to work from 2-10pm ONLY. Which means, I still have the daytime for schooling. Yes, I'm juggling these illegal moves. This is illegal, as it was supposed to be. I was even asked by the company to submit a 'resignation proof' (eg resignation letter, BIR forms etc) So, I obliged to it, since my school isn't really a formal school; it's just a little one, owned by my pathetic aunt, who have NO IDEA that I'm working for another job, that means this isn't really an issue for me. I just need to go with the flow. This craziness is indeed crazy, because I have to be careful that I won't get caught by my words and actions. As I meet new people at my new company, this is the second craziness, I distance myself to them; afraid that I'll be caught, careful that I should be aware first of these people; and act like everyone else.

The last one hits me: Act like everyone else.

When I was interviewed by Op Supervisor, she told me that this area would be entirely different from the community where I have been. I remember myself totally determined and ecstatic that I would get this job and earn for my family; and I remember her being so much engaging to me, or probably to every applicant whom she interviewed.
And then I remember I had my Job Signing, and the third craziness starts..

First day at work! First day of training! Orientation day.

Of course, what would you expect in every first day of something?

Timid people, shy, feeling every moment, because you know that you have to friend someone for you not to look awkward or an anti-social individual.

So I did.

In the course of following training days, I met a few people, which of course, my teammates.
And I acted like everyone else.

And I didn't like it.

My best friend told me that now I would be able to experience what life really.

But just within a month of staying here, I would like to disagree with her, because

you choose your life, whether you're in an corporate world or in an institution,

you don't need to be part of them and act like everybody else. That's what I didn't like and that's the craziness I did. After few instances that I tried to be with them, (or should I say, I observed them at first.) Was it wrong? haha. It happened when we got together after work, some of them went for drinks, while I rejected into drinking. Another instance was whenever we had our private jokes, and based on it, I found out who they really are. 

I learned to avoid them because I didn't like them.

I learned to avoid them because whatever I do, they're my teammates.

I learned to avoid them because what really matters is my job.

I learned to avoid them because I hate them.

Recently, I rejected what supposed to be a celebration of our team (without our supervisor, so it gave me more reason to reject it) as we mark our 1 month here in the company.

I didn't join them because I don't want to. I'm just being real, not acting as everyone else.

Another one is the upcoming off-site event which is a swimming party of the whole department, and guess what, of course, I am not coming. Because I didn't like it and I'll come if I want,not because they're coming too.

I think I've shared enough today, actually I'm in the office right now and trying to just eat some of the time I wasn't doing anything.

I'll be sending this to my email, and post it rightaway.

I hope my patience could still bear being here.

I love and interested with my job right now, I learned a lot.

But I think I cannot learn to love ALL the people around me,

specifically, my team. That's it. I've said it.

I can't just trust somebody here.

Bye.

200516 9.10pm

Third day

I've really a lot to tell you guys lately but I don't know where to start!

How about getting back on these plans:

"Aaaaand back to reality, I haven't started yet on the book! I'm expecting April's going to get me nuts for few things:
1. Summer Classes!
2. Applying for another job
3. Saving $$$"

Summer Classes will just start less than a week away. I'm incredibly busy lately because of this again, nothing's new, I guess.
Speaking of new, there's a good news actually! I got a job! Well, this counts as a full-time job actually, entirely different from schooling. It's an office job where I will edit some content and documents to be released on line. Today is my third day as a trainee of the company. I went very quiet at first because I want to observe them first and the people around me. Nevertheless, today is a pretty cool day since we had some nice laughs and chit-chats, although honestly, I don't see myself yet in this kind of environment; it's a BIG BIG career shift indeed! However, whenever I remember all the tests and interviews I struggled to be hired, Y'ALL I GOTTA BE SERIOUS RIGHT HERE.

So hopefully soon, I could have all of the time to tell you some awesome and off stories in here. :)
And oh! Saving $$$? I hope I could do so with my new job, yay!

Annyeong! 

April is ain't fooling around

First post for April month! Yay!

So this was just the first week of the month and I think there aren't much of a news for me. Nevertheless, let me start on my fan club. We are actually supposed to have an event this upcoming April 17 but then again, it was pushed due to time constraints. I cannot really prevent myself from contemplating why they are so slow and unresponsive to their tasks. Anyway, it was scheduled (idk if this is already permanent or temporary AS OF THE FKNG MOMENT) on June 19. I just hope it'll turn out well, given that we still have two months to go for such preparations, Another thing is, they added a new staff in the fan club. The thing is, I kinda know this person and met her personally actually, but since then, I could feel some mysterious? eerie? aura from her even if we talked together. It felt very awkward for me, (well I really guess it's only me since she gets well along with the other staff) and it became more horribly awkward when she started tweeting her 'personal experiences' with a girl, (I hope you're getting my point, huh) Like seriously, in social media? But then if she craves for enormous attention, (she made at least 7-8 twitter fan accounts/rps/idk-what-I-should-call-it that she has been actively managing) well, you girl got it. Congrats! You're still freaking weird to me.

Aaaaand back to reality, I haven't started yet on the book! I'm expecting April's going to get me nuts for few things:
1. Summer Classes!
2. Applying for another job
3. Saving $$$
Items #1 and #3 are already given. The school's is soon coming back, so I have to prepare again to get fuzzy and be 'sympathetic-parent-friendly' educator. Saving some money coz studying is expensive as honey. I'm planning to go back school probably next year, I'm saving my high hopes tho coz I don't want to expect to my fucking self. lol.

Item #2 might be weird.. Nah, I am just looking for a part-time job (or a career advancement, should I say and how I said to all of the companies I applied). Sometimes it is really inevitable to get tired of the same shit everyday of your life and then you get bored when you cannot get any of this shit. So I suggest to expose yourself to all the different kinds of shit in life so it'll be awesome and exciting shits! (Shit = anything that makes you happy/contented) I discovered myself this summer that I'm a type of person who just can't stick to the same shit. (Love is a special exception *winks*)
Speaking of love, there goes again my friend who is crazily in love with his man. Curiosity kills the cat... and probably also the relationship. Anyway, I told her that I am just always a listener to these kinds of things, but she told me I should just wait.

Hey you future guy, I am not praying for you to come nor met you in an unexpected way. I hope you'll just come neat and proper. Not of a perfect timing or anything; but just right of the moment. Does it sound a little ambiguous? Yes, because I think that is love. It's full of ambiguity yet two persons in love understands it so well. So future you, just come neat and proper; who the hell you are and where the fuck you'll come from.

Ciao!